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Sustainable Farming Association of Minnesota - LocalHarvest

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Sustainable Farming Association of Minnesota

Another sleepless night

Laying here wide awake, listening to god awful loud snoring, only light on is that of my tablet screen.my mind has just been racing today more each day as I realize how desperately I need to find a very well rounded,educated, compassionate, LLMD ASAP....I literally feel my body just worsening day after day and don't even know how that's even possible on days like today!! my symptoms, of severe and agonizing pain never go away but I call many of my days good days now! when they are bad, oh man....I wonder how I can do this, and how I do it mostly alone. I have minimal support,(support I do have from the few amazingly wonderful people,is always there but not into asking these days) and it's (my illness) just become such a feeling of burden in my household I just don't even talk about it much anymore.... but like I need to talk about it! ha! It always shines through each day, whether it is I can't get out of bed for days, weeks sometimes. or when I do, I am so Ill tempered and unhappy it sickens me after I realize the way I don't even hear my self speak until after. Or the way I look...some days(many) since past Thanksgiving or so, I have woke up with my face so swollen it is scary looking!! I have pictures I can share! Last July my jaw dislocated after yawning and was out of place for few hours before it got put into place not once but 3 times in the following 2 hours by 2 different ER docs, since then severe issues! I am now finding that many people with chronic Lyme have jaw issue's as well! I don't want this blog to become about me complaining as its seeming right now, but rather a place to just share without being judged, so PLEASE if your reading bear in mind I have a tendency to ramble on sometimes backed up by a very talkative outgoing personality! On that note I will say I worked up or forced the energy to make a delicious grilled dinner for my family by 9:00 tonight! : )

When I knew my life was changing

Well, I will begin with re-meeting who I knew from the very 1st moment would become the love of my life in July 2007, I knew he was the one for me. I am now 32 yrs almost 33 yrs old and have always been a single mother to a wonderful now 15 yr old son...who has had epilepsy himself since 14 mos of age. So almost half of my life has been devoted to making sure I was able to take the most out every situation and struggle he has been through to provide the very best I could for him. He shows every bit of that with the wonderful young man he is becoming! As I said in 2007, that is when I thought all of everything I had been working towards and fighting for had brought me to such a humbling point, finally meeting the man of my dreams and an amazing role model for my son & finally someone else he could look up to and count on to be something well, physically I could never be to him a man! and a father figure : ) I thought it was the beginning of our wonderfully blessed much awaited new beginning...The next "Chapter".... and to my surprise, it sure has been a VERY new chapter, but not as I thought or had hoped for at all.... It has been the most challenging time in my and their lives since October 2008, when initially I had become diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis...and went from being a super active super mom, girlfriend, friend and person to now looking to the support of complete strangers and other people that understand what I may be going through. Long Story short just to catch you up before getting into the many details of my struggle, it has been confirmed by one out of the tens of doctors I have seen that I in fact have chronic Lyme disease....yup, I started researching this myself when the initial shock of the MS wore off and jumped through neurology hoops for MS, and it just didn't add up. None of it, my history, symptoms, treatments etc... and as I'm sure some chronically ill may know you go through periods where you  step back, withdrawal from all of the redundant fighting for your life...and that is where I am at, now seeking viable, affordable trustworthy care that is out there to start heading me in the right direction of getting some of my hope for life back. I live in the most severe chronic, neurological, arthritic, myalgic pain every second of everyday...not knowing what the very next second will bring. It is such a hard feeling to explain, and being over talked, and flat out ignored when discussing it with any of my physicians or the countless ones of the past I feel so helpless and like I am left here to die with a disease that can through time become manageable through very conventional treatments. I have lost who I am as a person, mother, gf, and every other relationship I've had in my life because this has consumed and become my life...robbing me emotionally, mentally, physically...praying every night (through some of the worst pain) for just one more day....afraid to go to sleep most nights, so terrified of how I feel when I go to bed....Chronic Lyme disease is VERY REAL, and ignored by so much of the conventional medical community...it's sad, it's a very serious endemic issue leaving so many like me not knowing how or where to get help!!